No runners like seeing the letters DNF next to their name on a results sheet, and it's the last thing I expected to see next to mine on Saturday. The last time this happened was the World Cross in Jordan and like then and every other time I've dropped out of a race, I didn't deal with it very well. See, when I don't run as well as what I know I should I beat myself up pretty bad. This isn't a trait I've developed since making my breakthrough, it's something I've had since I started running at age 11. Even when I wasn't a great standard I always expected a lot of myself and when I didn't deliver I would be rockbottom. I get into a pretty self-destructive state and there's almost nothing and no one who can bring me out of it. This time I'm going through the same process but not as severe as usual.

Once I'd done my warm down on Saturday all I wanted to do was go home. However I still had to wait at least 2 hours until Steve finished his race and I could get away from the track. I was even considering just leaving and getting the train home without saying anything to anyone. The last thing I wanted to do was try and explain myself to spectators curious about what had happened, I just wanted to go into my own little bubble and stay there. So I went to the top of the stands and didn't move for a long time. I tried to put my finger on what had happened and come up with a better reason than "I ran as hard as I could but couldn't keep up", but I had nothing.

Eventually we got away from the track and I had a chat with Steve on the way back. I honestly thought I wasn't good enough on Saturday but he had a few reasons why things didn't go to plan. For a start he said when he saw me before the race I didn't look my usual self and a lot more nervous than I normally am. He then said after 200m he could tell something was wrong and wanted to pull me out of the race straight away. He said another reason could've been my exams which add a lot of stress and pressure, along with the fact I wasn't training as hard during that period. One more reason (and I think he's hit the nail on the head here) was my training going into the race. On Thursday all I did was a run and some hill sprints, whereas when he was running 1500's he would do some 1500 pace stuff on grass or track to keep the legs in tune. This could be the reason why it felt like such a shock when the gun went off.

Then on Sunday we headed over to the Stoke 10k for Brooks and I think it helped being there as it got the race out of my mind. He then dropped me off home and when I got back I started thinking about the race again and all the disappointment, upset, anger and doubts came back. Not as bad as the day before but I was still walking around feeling pretty negative.  Thank you to the people who sent me messages, they helped lift my spirits. But like I said above, there's not much people can say to get me out of the mood I'm in, this is something I have to get out of myself. At the moment I'm feeling much better and after a good days training the disappointment has pretty much gone, it's the doubts that still linger.    

The reasons Steve gave above all sound valid and legit but if I'm honest I wasn't totally convinced. I've got a 1500m session tomorrow and it's then I'll have a better idea of whether it was me which was the issue or if the "I'm not fast enough" reason is the case. If it goes well then I'll be as happy as Larry and there's nothing to worry about, if it doesn't...well I don't even want to think about the state I'll be in. Steve won't like me putting all this pressure on one session but I need to know I'm in good shape. The positive thing is I'm really looking forward to it because I do believe I'm in good shape, but the belief isn't the proof I'm after, and the proof will only come from the stopwatch. I'm down to run in the British League next week and we think it will be a good move to still turn up. If I want to run a hard race in Watford in a couple of weeks I need to finish a 1500m otherwise dropping out will always be in the back of my mind.

I managed to catch the stuff on Eightlane about me yesterday which probably wasn't the most sensible move I made considering the circumstances. Even though all the bad comments were written by anonymous posters who are probably looking for a reaction or enjoy criticising other people just for kicks, what they wrote still got to me. I'm still not used to other people talking about me on forums so even though I shouldn't let it get to me I still did. To be fair there were there a few supportive comments from different people and Steve stuck up for me and I really appreciate all the nice things people said. I think the best one though came from a guy/girl posting under "Gooooooooolaab". His/her post did put a smile on my face and of all the comments left on that thread that is the one that's left a mark so to whomever it was thank you very much. As it was such a good post I'll let them off for not using their real name.

That same person also mentioned I give out advice on my blog, but unfortunately when it comes to the subject of picking yourself up when you're down I've got nothing to offer. You're reading about a guy who beats himself up to the max and I've got no special techniques of getting out of this mindset. I get out of this state when I get out of it and I couldn't tell you when that will be. At the moment I only have doubt in my head, but in the past I've been a lot worse and the disappointment and upset hangs around for days and I lose the enjoyment from running. Luckily I've still got the enjoyment and belief but those doubts aren't moving. I've found if you doubt yourself in running you probably won't last very long but like I said before, the only way I'll be ok again is when the stopwatch starts showing me the numbers I want to see. Mind you, writing this blog and putting my thoughts down has made me feel more positive, maybe I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel already...

Run happy,

Goolab xxx