Heartbroken
When i first started out in the sport i was told to be prepared for ups and downs. Let me tell you- I have never been or felt as low as I do now. Im at rock bottom after yesterday and so deflated.
Going into the race I felt okay, bit sluggish but still ready to run hard. The weather was fine, nothing out of the ordinary and the pace was going out sensible. Alarm bells started to ring though after 2 laps. My breathing was terrible, the legs were flat and after 6 laps i just went backwards. I tried so hard to gut it out. I tried to settle, switch off but I was getting dropped doing 70 ses laps-- I thought this is not me. I have never contemplated dropping out of a race like that before. Anyone who knows me, i hope, would know that im fairly tough and ballsy. Ive run through pain before, ive run with stress fractures, ive run hard cross races when ive been totally sapped but always toughed it out. On this occasion though, my body just gave in.
What do you do when your legs just go from underneath you? I kept thinking- dont you fucking dare think of stopping. Not wearing that flag on your chest, not here. As each lap went on though I was drifting further back, getting passed until at one point i was probably dead last and suffering, suffering at that pace. Training recently has gone great, im prepped to run 67/68's..... so why was 70's feeling so bad? I knew something was wrong, I had ten laps to go and was finished. I stopped...and let me tell you, it was the hardest thing ive had to do in my running so far. I slumped to the floor and dont mind saying literally just broke down. That low point i mentioned was lower than any feeling ive experienced. Right there at that moment i could have walked away from the sport and never put a pair of trainers or spikes on ever again.
I know ive let myself and every one else down, but what could i do? carrying on would have meant more damage, more heartache, im not the sort of athlete to jog round at the back, get lapped, crawl home like that. I can normally rely on my body, but this time it let me down. I need to go away now and sort my head out, find out what was wrong and find that running spirit again, because at the moment, this morning, its gone.
Sorry for letting down those who have supported me this last week, I hope you understand that im not a quitter- never have been. Something got the better of me this time, gotta find out what and put things right.
Best wishes, a sad and deflated phil.
Comments On "Heartbroken"
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters . . .
Big Tony D Posted on June 10th, 2009Hey Phil,
hope you are ok !!?
Sorry to hear about last Saturday.
Thanks for coming on here and putting that blog up so soon
and at such a difficult time.
Apart from being a sublime runner,
you are also one of the nicest blokes you could ever wish to meet. Honest as the day is long, humble, thoughtful and kind.
There has been 'some' good comments on here,
can only add :-
Haile, couple of years ago (2007) drops out of London,
his next race that year - wins Brlin - NWR
We all know you'll return
and,
EVEN BETTER than before.
Best wishes mate, & hope to see you at the World trials, July 10th.
Tony Dutton.
Keep your head up son, your be back.
jackass Posted on June 9th, 2009The body ain't a machine Phil, though we wish it were. Very brave of you to come out so soon and describe what's clearly traumatic for you. Use that bravery to bounce back. In GB we don't have many guys of your ability and quality, we don't want to lose one!
terrymcc Posted on June 9th, 2009Hope to see you flying again before too long.
Mate it happens to the best of us, everyone has felt like that at some point along the road and the best athletes are the ones who can bounce back from those lows. Don't let it play on your mind, you did what you felt was best at the time and more importantly best for you. We all know what you're capable of so use the next race to show us what you're made of.
Ryan Posted on June 9th, 2009So Mr Questioner. How is what you say meant to be read as anything other than a pop at Phil?
questioner? Posted on June 9th, 2009Get back quick!
Any true runner knows how hard you work at your sport- and your bloody good at what you do best- distance running.
stewart Posted on June 8th, 2009OK bit of a set back but your a true professional and a dedicated , committed guy who will just pick your trainers up and get out to your normal training session tomorrow eh?
It happens to the best of us- as many on this site can testify and therefore fully understand.
Put it behind you and get motivated to your next race with runners pride!
Your a strong determined athlete- prove it man!
give up, its time
ryan mcloud Posted on June 8th, 2009Failure is success if we learn from it - Malcolm Forbes
Wimp, hang your head in shame, you should be banished from Great Britain.
Tookie Tooks Posted on June 8th, 2009Only joking, - Phil you'll bounce back I'm sure and youdone the right thing.
Quote from H Jackson Brown ''If your life is free of failures, you're not taking enough risks'
Good luck with the rest of yor season.
Phil this is not meant as a slight on you but if i was wearing a gb vest i would crawl over the line if it meant i would finish. Perhaps you need to have a little look at yourself...
Questioner. Posted on June 8th, 2009Sorry to hear that you are down, I am. But it is only running.....pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. You've had a bad day representing your country, what's happened? You feel low, exhasuted and down- but my guess is that you're now on the way up. Lance Cpl. Richards also had a bad day representing his country recently...difference being that he is dead. This is NOT a dig at you, as a runner I have felt exactly like you have described above- but I found that it helped to gain some perspective. Running is one part of your life and I am sure that you have many other aspects that are going great. You'll get over this, and probably be a better athlete for it and when it all ends, you have a great line for your autobiography:
guest2380 Posted on June 8th, 2009"I kept thinking- dont you fucking dare think of stopping. Not wearing that flag on your chest, not here."
Good luck,
Andrew
We are all right behind you Phil
You`ve let no-one down "Big Phil" least of all yourself. We all know that you gave everything on the day! The sign of a good athlete (bloke) is to come back stronger from adversity and I am sure you will, no question. When you are ready you can take it out big time on another race. You do not become a bad runner off one race.You can hold your head high buddy.
Charles Posted on June 8th, 2009you'll beat it
hey phil,
knotty aussie Posted on June 7th, 2009all i can say is that i have most utterly (and vividly recalled, having just read your blog and can't leave now without putting in my 4 euro cents worth) been where you are now, as have many of us. i didn't pull out of this particular race, but may as well have. i too could have walked away right there and then, the darkest and deepest chasm of my athletic career so far had opened up before me.
i wallowed there for two weeks maybe, but after some time i noticed that there was this tiny flame still burning in the darkness, and from then on i decided that i had done too much work, sacrificed too much to become a beaten man that easily. that flame steadily grew in strength...and before i knew it, the Journey had begun again, with new and intensified vigour.
sometimes these things have to happen to make you fully realise, deep inside, just how much you want this. and once you do, off you go.
it just takes time. give yourself all the time you need. you'll know when you're ready.
and, from what i know of your talent and determination, that shouldn't be long.
Chin up pal, these things happen, I often think that I have let people down, I have been there more times than most!! European Indoor final this year was the same as you, had nothing off a pace that was easy and I can front run, yet I felt like I could hardly pick my legs up. There is no hiding place in athletics, you can't have a bad day and still win like some sports. I have been down to the bottom, thinking you have let everyone down, but all those who know you and really understand are proud of your achievements. You just gotta take some time and then get back on the horse!
Sp8y Posted on June 7th, 2009Best of luck
Sp8y
Head up Phil, I think most runners have gone through spells after a bad race where they feel deflated and say to themselves "is the dedication and the training really worthwhile?" The strong headed people say "yes it is" and get back out there and train!
RH Posted on June 7th, 2009You train very hard but you are also blessed with natural ability, ability that with training has enabled you to represent your country! Keep believing Phil and you'll be fine! One bad race doesnt make a bad runner.
Didnt a certain Kennenisa Bekele drop out of a race last week? Even the greatest runners have had to stop!
Paula Radcliffe another one!!
Sorry about the essay but hopefully this will inspire you to get back out the door and run your balls off again!!
race
cheer up lad. ur an inspriation to us young lads and u didnt let anyone down!!
lee Posted on June 7th, 2009weve all been der..think postive..!!
Phil, I know how you are feeling, trust me. I have dropped out of many races and it hurts when you put so much effort into training etc... now I have known you for a good while and don't know anyone who trains harder or lives and breath's running more than you. You are someone I look upto and try to learn from and are always there for support and advice. This is a little blip which will hurt for a while, but you will bounce back, you have too. Just try to forget the race, go out for a meal with your lovely girl, plan the new garden to finish off the lovely house you have.
Sharpy Posted on June 7th, 2009You know where I am buddy for a chat.
Lov ya
Sharpy
xx
Sorry to hear it all went wrong for you. Was at Bham uni myself a few years back and remember you being a bloody hard worker so I don't think you need to worry about anyone thinking any the less of you for this.
guest Posted on June 7th, 2009Take some time to get your head straight, then come back stronger and more determined. There's a lot of people who would like to see you have the success of which you are no doubt capable.